4 Life Skills I Learned From Being a Married Sugar Baby
Being shrewd is more important than being hot
It was the end of a lovely night of intimacy, laughs, opening up about childhood traumas and the joys of parenting, and lots of cuddles.
After slipping my heels back on, I met my partner’s gaze one final time. With a hand on each cheek, we shared a lingering, sensual kiss.
As he walked me to the front door, I finally asked him the question that had been burning in my brain all night.
“You remember my CashApp?”
My name is Ashley, and I am a sugar baby.
While the specifics vary, a sugar baby is generally a person who provides physical and emotional intimacy in exchange for money and/or gifts in an ongoing arrangement. In essence, a relationship-for-hire.
There is some debate both within and outside of the sugaring community as to exactly how different sugar dating is from escorting.
There are folks who are very adamant that sugar dating is entirely separate from escorting, in that there is an ongoing commitment and true emotional connection — it's a real relationship, with extra benefits.
Others, like myself, feel like there is a much finer line between being a sugar baby and doing traditional sex work. At the end of the day, physical intimacy is expected, and I do get paid for it. Thus, I’m in the “sugar dating is just escorting with extra steps” camp. But I digress.
Whichever way you look at it, acquiring a sugar daddy has a lot more steps than 1) be hot, 2) get money. In fact, I’d be so bold as to say that #1 isn’t even all that necessary. However, the following skills very much are.
The excellent news is that they are also highly transferable, and traits that I think every person, and especially every person of a marginalized gender, should develop.
4. Boundary Setting
The sugar dating game, perhaps by design, is a breeding ground for potential coercion and exploitation.
The stereotypical sugar baby is a young woman in her late teens or early 20s. She is often in school and either seeking a way to make ends meet, pay for school, or enjoy the finer things in life that students simply can’t afford.
The archetypal sugar daddy is a “rich old dude.” That is, a wealthy older man, often retired, who is looking for companionship (consisting of both arm candy and sex) from an attractive young woman.
These types of sugar dating arrangements are the most at-risk for abuse. People’s boundaries get blurry when they desperately need money, and adolescence lasts through the age of 24. People under age 25 do not have the impulse control or decision-making skills that they will when they are older.
This, compared with the lack of life experience, makes setting clear boundaries and sticking to them much more difficult for college-age sugar babies. As a rule, I do not recommend that women dip their toes into sugar dating until at least their mid-20s.
That said, although I do not fit the mold of the classic sugar baby (I began at age 28, married with a child, financially independent, and the breadwinner of my family), I do have people-pleasing tendencies.
I learned very quickly that for sugar dating to be an empowering and lucrative experience, rather than a vulnerable and manipulative one, I would need to get good at setting firm boundaries and sticking to them.
“I’ll need a copy of your photo ID and a screenshot of a recent STI test before we move forward.”
“Yes, I still require condom use. Yes, even with a fresh STI test.”
“No, I will not help you cheat on your wife.”
I often get pushback on these boundaries I’ve set for myself. They are promptly met with an eye roll and a block. I’ve learned that life is too short and I matter too much to deal with people who don’t respect me.
At an earlier point in my life, I would have had difficulty with making demands of people, and with disappointing them. However, the bold and often entitled attitudes of potential sugar daddies are a force to be reckoned with, and the only way to keep from being trampled is to present yourself with an equal sense of power.
3. Marketing
The age of social media has made a lot of young women very good at curating their image. Millennials and Gen Z have spent a good portion of their lives practicing perfect selfies and writing the perfect tweet to portray the version of us we want the world to believe.
Being armed with these skills was a great first step to creating an enticing profile on a sugar dating website.
Still, in order to find an arrangement I loved, I needed to figure out who I was marketing to. I had to find my target demographic and adjust my profile accordingly.
I started by doing extensive research on the kind of people who become sugar daddies. They seemed to largely fall into three categories:
- The Rich Retiree — looking for a hot young thing to entertain him in all of this free time they suddenly have
- The Busy Professional — looking for a relationship experience with someone who will provide him with a combination of hot sex and social/emotional support without demanding time, commitment, or emotional labor
- The Adulterer — looking for an affair with someone who would guarantee discretion
While the first group is by far the most lucrative, I just didn’t feel comfortable dating someone three or four decades older than me.
On moral grounds, I refuse to associate with group three.
This leaves the busy professional. I set my sights on men in their late 30s-early 40s who devoted a lot of their time to their careers, leaving little time for romantic pursuits.
My goal is to make them feel seen — to make them feel like I’m someone who really gets them and can be there for them in a way a traditional girlfriend couldn't.
I carefully crafted my profile:
Indeed, several men have messaged me specifically to compliment me on how beautiful they felt my “Seeking” section was.
Jackpot.
2. Negotiation
If all goes well when attracting the busy professionals to my profile and chatting for a bit, we come to compensation negotiations.
Much like a job interview, it’s the elephant in the room until someone brings it up. I like to wait until he brings it up, or until he mentions setting a date for meeting up in person.
In my pre-sugar life, I accepted lower pay than I should have on several occasions. Sometimes it was out of desperation (precisely why I don’t think people who need money should be sugar babies), but more often, it’s because I was a pushover who didn’t want to rock the boat and ruin something potentially good.
Now if I ever decide to return to being an employee, I feel much more confident in my ability to set a salary requirement and stick to it.
Here’s an example of a good, healthy compensation negotiation.
*PPM — Pay Per Meet
We had been actively talking for a few days, and really clicked with each other before he even politely brought up the compensation question. I kept a sense of humor and his needs in mind but clearly stated my requirements. Instead of haggling, he even went above my offer. He was a keeper.
On the other hand, this person had only made small talk with me for about five minutes (during which he told me that he was a college professor). I asked him about his location (censored in the image).
This was his response.
I clearly did not ask about compensation or his demands. I definitely didn’t ask him to self-congratulate his excuse for dirty talk.
I really should have just ghosted after that top message, but I was bored and it was funny.
$200 would have been way too low for the distance I would have had to travel, or for what he was asking for. But he didn’t know that, because he never asked for my input.
Oh, and I’m a grown woman with my own home and car too, thanks.
I continued.
It was so liberating to openly laugh at this person. Rejecting him felt empowering, not just because he was a jerk, but because I was taking a stand about knowing my worth.
1. The Value of Confidence — Fake It ’Til You Make It
The single most important lesson I’ve learned is how much of a difference projecting confidence really makes.
To be clear — I am not what I imagined a sugar baby to be.
I am about 30 pounds overweight and definitely have post-baby saggy belly and boobs. I’m awkward, I take a whole slew of mental health medications, and my voice gradually gets louder and louder until someone tells me to be quiet every time I start talking.
I’m married. (If you’re curious, you can see how that works here). That’s a clear turn-off for a lot of men.
I have a super dry sense of humor and a debilitating case of Resting Bitch Face.
But I decided to look at all the things I could bring to an arrangement, and run like hell with them.
I realized the best thing I could do was put myself out there without apologies.
I am witty.
I am empathetic.
I give mind-blowing head.
And I am a damn good sugar baby.
